Comments on Thought Clusters: The Martyr Complex

I posted the comment above after I read the sympto...

2008-07-03T05:04:00.000-04:00

I posted the comment above after I read the symptoms not the comments. "READ THE COMMENTS
I agree with Krish and especialy Klaus because those comments really hit home.

OK I did the same personality test and it said int...

2008-07-03T04:45:00.000-04:00

OK I did the same personality test and it said intraverted intelectual and martyr complex.I have a BA major in PSY and after finding I have only 1 of the traits I would suggest that people take the longer version of the test to get a mors detailed report on there personality.

That's so weird. I took some personality test tha...

2008-05-29T18:27:00.000-04:00

That's so weird. I took some personality test that said I have exaggeratedly high percentage for accomodation and that I most likely had this martyr complex. As I read about it I began to see that it's true, though, the weird part is that only with several people not everyone that is something I don't get. Also how I EASILY forgive others conflicts with the whole martyr complex but oh well who knows..

I came across your blog searching for more informa...

2008-05-12T07:43:00.000-04:00

I came across your blog searching for more information on how to handle someone like this. My 'friend' is driving me crazy with all of her 'feel sorry for me' behaviors. I sincerely want to end our friendship, and I know she will freak out. In one of the letters I had written to her last year, I pointed out to her that she always plays 'the victim'. I had no idea however that I was referring to her martry behavior! Anyways, I pointed out in her very own writing how she plays 'the victim' and how she distorts everything. Crazy...it's just crazy. (and it's driving ME crazy!).

@anonymousPlease note that I am not talking about ...

2008-03-11T13:46:00.000-04:00

@anonymous

Please note that I am not talking about martyrs in the context of being killed for one's beliefs. I am talking about a particular behavioral problem that has been titled as the martyr complex. According to Wikipedia, this is "one of several patterns of pain/suffering seeking behavior". Since I didn't coin the term myself and I didn't find any substitute for it, I cannot help the distortion of the historic definition of the word "martyr". The article I wrote is an elaboration upon that problem.

I agree with you that we cannot create a black-and-white division and doubtless everyone has exhibited tendencies that have been mentioned in the list. But most people exhibit this behavior some of the time and some people exhibit this behavior most of the time. Some people exhibit it only in certain cirumstances or situations. We are all guilty to some extent or other. However, that does not mean that we cannot discuss mistakes or problems. In fact, by talking about them, we can recognize such traits in ourselves and prevent them.

The article starts with talking about destructive behaviors in a relationship. A person exhibiting a martyr complex in one relationship (work or family) may not exhibit the same behavior elsewhere. For most people, he or she may be the most likeable person. For example, a child may exhibit this behavior with the parents, but may behave normally when dealing with peers. So fundamentally, this is a relationship dynamic, not necessarily an intrinsic trait of the person.

Looking at oneself before criticizing others is a good point, but this is not an "evil vs good" argument. I don't consider a person with this problem as "evil". Such people actually think that they are achieving their goals by such behavior and don't realize the extent of harm done to themselves, the relationship and others, and what they lose out in life. By discussing these issues, we can understand the behavior and the consequences, and we can find ways to solve them.

I feel that your definition of what consitutes a m...

2008-03-11T12:42:00.000-04:00

I feel that your definition of what consitutes a martyr is completely biased toward destructive elements of an individual's personality. Please consider that your list of what constitutes a martyr does not reflect behaviours of certain individuals who behave like this all the time, but anyone, who will doubtless behave like this sometimes. You can't make black and white divisions like this.
Also, please consider the more historic definition of the martyr; of course, sometimes people are named martyrs for self-centred acts of transferring guilt onto others etc., but the martyr can also be one whose passionate belief leads them to make a fatal sacrifice, or perhaps they simply have masochistic tendencies and enjoy taking on the martyr persona.
You and some of those who have commented here sound as if you've never felt or done anything on the list at the top, which are aspects of human nature and behaviour. Perhaps marie might consider the opnion that there are no 'normal' people! We were not all spat out of templates on a production line. We are not universally the same and there is no set rule of normality. Everyone here reacting to a mythical evil martyr that you wouldn't want to work with should look at themselves too. Everyone can be an 'evil martyr' sometimes.

@anonymousI don't think it is right to blame any r...

2008-03-11T10:48:00.000-04:00

@anonymous

I don't think it is right to blame any religion for this behavior. Any behavior is a combination of many factors, internal and external. In my experience, religion is much less a factor than the society and environment in which one grows up.

On the subject of religion, this is a matter of interpretation. Most religions teach not just tolerance, but also forgiveness. They teach to forgive others and to seek forgiveness for oneself.

People exhibiting the martyr complex have great difficulty in forgiving others and moving on. Everything they do is clouded by past events and past feelings.

I do agree with you about tolerance. In my view, tolerance is a short-term mechanism that basically relies on ignoring what someone else does. But without understanding the thinking and ideas of other people, tolerance can quickly change into anger and resentment.

It's interesting how the religion christianity enc...

2008-03-11T08:50:00.000-04:00

It's interesting how the religion christianity encourages this kind of behaviour too- and how much hatred and spite there can be seething beneath the surface of someone who has decided they must love everyone! In terms of remaining ina situation which hurts- many people were 'trained' in high levels of tolerance as children; it feels 'normal'. Therapy is essential to break patterns of martyr behaviour, and a commitment to self-care and self-love. Actually to be healthy and happy IS the real favour we can do for others around us....!

@tierneyI think it is precisely the avoidance of c...

2008-01-20T18:36:00.000-05:00

@tierney

I think it is precisely the avoidance of conflict that is the problem. Unless people can work together to resolve conflicts, and put the past behind them, there is no moving forward.

It is not about who is to be blamed. Whatever happened has happened. There is nothing anybody can do to reverse it. But we can do something about the future. And that means being able to let go and being able to rebuild trust.

hello there.I also took an online personality test...

2008-01-20T11:15:00.000-05:00

hello there.

I also took an online personality test that stated I had this, but from the research I've gathered that there are different kinds of personalities in this martyr complex. I think there is also a kind where the "martyr" blames themselves over others to avoid conflict, or they feel it's their duty to feel like a victim.
I don't know you guys seem to have more knowledge on this though.

Wow, this:"Normal people will not remain in a situ...

2007-12-19T13:59:00.000-05:00

Wow, this:

"Normal people will not remain in a situation where they choose suffering"

and most of the post pretty much sums up a person I live with. Constantly complaining about giving up sacrifices one should have to give in that situation, staying in an openly admittedly hostile environment because leaving would cripple everyone, suffering for the good of strangers, etc.

It's been refreshing to pretty much confirm what I've been thinking for years.

@anonymousRealizing the symptoms is the first step...

2007-12-13T21:13:00.000-05:00

@anonymous

Realizing the symptoms is the first step towards fixing them.

I just took an online personality quiz and it stat...

2007-12-13T20:35:00.000-05:00

I just took an online personality quiz and it stated that I might be this person. This scares me.

@marthaI am sorry to hear that and I sympathize wi...

2007-07-17T11:58:00.000-04:00

@martha

I am sorry to hear that and I sympathize with you. One way I have heard that can help is to think that you are powerful and that you can make a difference. If one can change things, one doesn't have to complain.

Instead of telling people, "why are you not doing this?", order or tell them, "do this!" You will be amazed how quickly issues get resolved. And each time, you feel more in control.

Each of us can do more and have much more power & authority than we give ourselves credit for.

p.s for all those who commented about it that don'...

2007-07-17T01:36:00.000-04:00

p.s for all those who commented about it that don't have it.IT'S HARD TO LIVE LIKE THAT.IT'S NOT EASY.BASICALLY I ALWAYS FELT THE NEED TO BE VERY ANALYTICAL,AND GROWING UP MY FATHER WAS UNAVAILABLE EMOTIONALLY AND HE CRITICIZED ALL TIME!I BELIEVE IT A STRATEGY THAT ONE DOES TO KEEP THE PAIN OR "SELF TORTURE" IF YOU WILL BECAUSE HAPPINESS 4 US IS TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE!IT'SCOMPLICATED! NO PUN INTENDED. THANK U FOR READING!

wow..i am that person! scary but true..i've been i...

2007-07-17T01:30:00.000-04:00

wow..i am that person! scary but true..i've been in therapy for a year and they couldn't diagnosis me with that one! only that i was depressed. thanks for the info.. i need to really work hard on my issue! sincerely, martha

true, marieIn a difficult situation, people should...

2007-06-26T22:08:00.000-04:00

true, marie

In a difficult situation, people should choose to leave instead of putting up with it. But they see some advantages in staying in the current situation (whatever that may be!) and not seeking something else. So they put up and complain, all the time increasingly dealing with a horrible situation.

That's probably what most battered wives have. Nor...

2007-06-26T01:08:00.000-04:00

That's probably what most battered wives have. Normal people will not remain in a situation where they choose suffering.

@charlieThese kind of people exist not only at wor...

2007-06-25T10:58:00.000-04:00

@charlie

These kind of people exist not only at work, but also among relatives and acquaintances. As you said, watch out!

That's one serious condition we should watch out f...

2007-06-25T01:11:00.000-04:00

That's one serious condition we should watch out for.
I certainly wouldn't want to work with that kind of person.