Comments on: The Martyr Complex http://www.thoughtclusters.com/2007/06/the-martyr-complex/ Software Development and Management Sun, 14 Mar 2010 14:00:46 -0700 http://wordpress.org/?v=2.9.2 hourly 1 By: Debbie http://www.thoughtclusters.com/2007/06/the-martyr-complex/comment-page-1/#comment-7549 Debbie Sun, 21 Feb 2010 21:09:28 +0000 http://www.thoughtclusters.com/2007/06/the-martyr-complex/#comment-7549 I could not agree more! I have been dating a man with a martyr complex for the last 7 months. He can be very convincing with his arguments. My mind gets so twisted up I can't even think of why or what I was doing anymore. He makes sense sometimes and so you get sucked in to his manipulation. My sister warned me that he's one step away from being an abuser...I think she is right. He constantly "comments" on his children's behaviors. And he says EVERYONE manipulates with behaviors. I call them reactions to the bullshit they're being fed. He has old fashioned values that I love so I keep getting sucked back in. The biggest problem is everything seems fine and then POOF-out of no where, there's drama! I'm so stressed out all the time, I can barely breathe. I think we all bear responsibility for the choices we maked...so I'm OUT!!!!! Not going to be a martyr like him. Pretty soon you think you're the only ones doing anything right and everyone else is self-centered! Ugh! what an awful way to live! The world is not always perfect, but there are some extremely awesome people in it!!!! Rich, poor, fat, thin...makes no difference. Martyrs need to get some help!!!! I'm just sayin... I could not agree more! I have been dating a man with a martyr complex for the last 7 months. He can be very convincing with his arguments. My mind gets so twisted up I can’t even think of why or what I was doing anymore. He makes sense sometimes and so you get sucked in to his manipulation. My sister warned me that he’s one step away from being an abuser…I think she is right. He constantly “comments” on his children’s behaviors. And he says EVERYONE manipulates with behaviors. I call them reactions to the bullshit they’re being fed. He has old fashioned values that I love so I keep getting sucked back in. The biggest problem is everything seems fine and then POOF-out of no where, there’s drama! I’m so stressed out all the time, I can barely breathe. I think we all bear responsibility for the choices we maked…so I’m OUT!!!!! Not going to be a martyr like him. Pretty soon you think you’re the only ones doing anything right and everyone else is self-centered! Ugh! what an awful way to live! The world is not always perfect, but there are some extremely awesome people in it!!!! Rich, poor, fat, thin…makes no difference. Martyrs need to get some help!!!! I’m just sayin…

]]> By: Ginger http://www.thoughtclusters.com/2007/06/the-martyr-complex/comment-page-1/#comment-7141 Ginger Wed, 10 Feb 2010 20:14:49 +0000 http://www.thoughtclusters.com/2007/06/the-martyr-complex/#comment-7141 Another thing that Martyr Moms are notorious for is blaming their own child(ren) for being born and constantly reminding them just how much of a burden they are to the mom. The M.M.'s lay guilt trips whenever possible. They refuse to empathize with the child's needs or problems. They backhandedly lower their child's self worth by complaining that their child's entrance into the world has compromised the parent's life, when in fact the mother made the decision to have this child long before the child was even conscious. Another thing that Martyr Moms are notorious for is blaming their own child(ren) for being born and constantly reminding them just how much of a burden they are to the mom. The M.M.’s lay guilt trips whenever possible. They refuse to empathize with the child’s needs or problems. They backhandedly lower their child’s self worth by complaining that their child’s entrance into the world has compromised the parent’s life, when in fact the mother made the decision to have this child long before the child was even conscious.

]]> By: Ginger http://www.thoughtclusters.com/2007/06/the-martyr-complex/comment-page-1/#comment-7140 Ginger Wed, 10 Feb 2010 19:55:37 +0000 http://www.thoughtclusters.com/2007/06/the-martyr-complex/#comment-7140 The best example of Martyr Complex I can think of are the moms that piss and moan about how hard their life is and how being a mom is a "full-time job" and how no one else ever works as hard as they do to raise their children, etc. etc. etc. Their husband/boyfriend is "so immature" and doesn't do half as much as they do, according to them. I can't tell you how many times I have heard this bullshit story. It's the same thing with all the martyr moms: "I make so many sacrifices and my life is so hard!" Well you should have thought about that before you chose to become a parent. Can't really pin the consequences of your sexual behavior on other people. There's this thing called LIFE, and you DEAL WITH IT. EVERYONE makes sacrifices and you are not exempt from having to do it also. The best example of Martyr Complex I can think of are the moms that piss and moan about how hard their life is and how being a mom is a “full-time job” and how no one else ever works as hard as they do to raise their children, etc. etc. etc. Their husband/boyfriend is “so immature” and doesn’t do half as much as they do, according to them. I can’t tell you how many times I have heard this bullshit story. It’s the same thing with all the martyr moms: “I make so many sacrifices and my life is so hard!” Well you should have thought about that before you chose to become a parent. Can’t really pin the consequences of your sexual behavior on other people. There’s this thing called LIFE, and you DEAL WITH IT. EVERYONE makes sacrifices and you are not exempt from having to do it also.

]]> By: Nicholas http://www.thoughtclusters.com/2007/06/the-martyr-complex/comment-page-1/#comment-6048 Nicholas Thu, 21 Jan 2010 05:53:28 +0000 http://www.thoughtclusters.com/2007/06/the-martyr-complex/#comment-6048 A friend of mine suggested I look this up & I think I may have some symptoms of this but I'm not really sure I have this disorder. I have some learning problems & been diagnosed as dyslexic & ADHD sense I started school & I also have a rare vision disorder that wasn't diagnosed till my senior year in high-school. I had lots of problems in school cuz of these things & I was constantly bullied as a kid. I've also had lots of problems with my parents & I have always been extremely demanding, argumentative & manipulative with them & some of my teachers. I would talk back when anyone would try to correct me. When I was little & had arguments with my mom; I would yell/scream, slam doors & curse her out. i blamed her for lots of my problems & I got mad at my dad for not being involved & siding with my mom without knowing MY side. My mom would end up threatening to send me to military school, put me up for adoption or kicking me out of the house. She used to rant about how happy she would be the day I would graduate high-school cuz she was going to kick me out & change the locks. Also during arguments she has also told me that she wished she & my dad would of not of wanted a child because their lives would of been much easier & more comfortable with out me. About 7years ago I got in a serious relationship with a girl who I felt was the only person who I ever really felt a connection with & I felt like she was the one person who truly cared about me. She was recovering from some drug/alcohol problems & she really needed someone to turn to & listen to her. Whenever she wanted/needed to talk; I was there. I blew-off lots plans & things because she wanted to talk. There wer lots of times I was getting ready to go to bed or something & she would call upset & I would sacrifice sleep & spend the next 12hours or day even with her. After a while she started falling back into old habits & I started becoming very controlling. I was also manipulative to. I blamed her for not taking MY advice & I didn't want her hanging out with her friends cuz I thought they wer bad influences. Eventually our realtionship fell apart & I fell into a deep depression & felt extremely guilty about everything. I ended up breaking down & started seeing a psych. I was put on lots of meds & been to lots of docs/psychs & gotten lots of test to. When I 1st started I had a lot of the symptoms of bipolar disorder but never diagnosed with it. I was also suspected of having Asperger Syndrome but after I got tested for it I was told I have Schizoid Personality Disorder instead. I've also had diagnoses of Borderline Personality Disorder, CoDependent Disorder, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Learning Problems, Anxiety Issues, Observe Compulsive Disorder(& the OCD personality disorder), & of coarse sever depression(possible psychotic). I've quit all the meds & docs ect over a year ago & I've been feeling & doing much better sense but I'm still for from perfect. I blame a lot of my problems on other things like the health-care industry for not properly diagnosing me. I blame problems at work on some of my coworkers cuz I'm constantly volunteering to do extra & work 55hours a week while others are slacking & goofing off. I blame my social problems on the school system due to the constant bulling & abuse I've suffered as a kid in it. I also feel like my mom is responsible for things I didn't feel love or understanding. I know my mom & dad wer doing the best they could & they didn't have any help from docs about my problems but I cant help how I feel about it. I also feel a lot of my friends & work buddies use me a lot. If they need a lone, help with a project or to talk about something; I'm doing what I can but when I try to ask em for anything; there never around. I feel guilty if I push the issues cuz I think there lives are busier than mine. I'm also very lonely & want a relationship but I'm worried that my problems are preventing me or would cause things to go horrible later. I go for women that lots of guys would consider, clingy, needy, baggage issues ect. I'm doing a lot of soul searching to try & figure myself out & how I can change & improve. I am NOT happy like this thou my parents think I am. I do not want to go back to docs because it is very expensive & they pushed lots of meds that had really horrible side-effects & I'm doing much better now that I'm not on em but I will get on em again if I feel like I start having a relapse. I've done lots of research on different disorders & Martyrdom Complex is something I've never looked at before. I would like more info about this & I'm also looking for friends to chat with about things. Support can be a big help sometimes. If anyone wants to talk about anything or has some suggestions; Please email me at~ nicholaspsherman@yahoo.com A friend of mine suggested I look this up & I think I may have some symptoms of this but I’m not really sure I have this disorder. I have some learning problems & been diagnosed as dyslexic & ADHD sense I started school & I also have a rare vision disorder that wasn’t diagnosed till my senior year in high-school. I had lots of problems in school cuz of these things & I was constantly bullied as a kid. I’ve also had lots of problems with my parents & I have always been extremely demanding, argumentative & manipulative with them & some of my teachers. I would talk back when anyone would try to correct me. When I was little & had arguments with my mom; I would yell/scream, slam doors & curse her out. i blamed her for lots of my problems & I got mad at my dad for not being involved & siding with my mom without knowing MY side. My mom would end up threatening to send me to military school, put me up for adoption or kicking me out of the house. She used to rant about how happy she would be the day I would graduate high-school cuz she was going to kick me out & change the locks. Also during arguments she has also told me that she wished she & my dad would of not of wanted a child because their lives would of been much easier & more comfortable with out me.

About 7years ago I got in a serious relationship with a girl who I felt was the only person who I ever really felt a connection with & I felt like she was the one person who truly cared about me. She was recovering from some drug/alcohol problems & she really needed someone to turn to & listen to her. Whenever she wanted/needed to talk; I was there. I blew-off lots plans & things because she wanted to talk. There wer lots of times I was getting ready to go to bed or something & she would call upset & I would sacrifice sleep & spend the next 12hours or day even with her. After a while she started falling back into old habits & I started becoming very controlling. I was also manipulative to. I blamed her for not taking MY advice & I didn’t want her hanging out with her friends cuz I thought they wer bad influences.

Eventually our realtionship fell apart & I fell into a deep depression & felt extremely guilty about everything. I ended up breaking down & started seeing a psych. I was put on lots of meds & been to lots of docs/psychs & gotten lots of test to. When I 1st started I had a lot of the symptoms of bipolar disorder but never diagnosed with it. I was also suspected of having Asperger Syndrome but after I got tested for it I was told I have Schizoid Personality Disorder instead. I’ve also had diagnoses of Borderline Personality Disorder, CoDependent Disorder, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Learning Problems, Anxiety Issues, Observe Compulsive Disorder(& the OCD personality disorder), & of coarse sever depression(possible psychotic).

I’ve quit all the meds & docs ect over a year ago & I’ve been feeling & doing much better sense but I’m still for from perfect. I blame a lot of my problems on other things like the health-care industry for not properly diagnosing me. I blame problems at work on some of my coworkers cuz I’m constantly volunteering to do extra & work 55hours a week while others are slacking & goofing off. I blame my social problems on the school system due to the constant bulling & abuse I’ve suffered as a kid in it. I also feel like my mom is responsible for things I didn’t feel love or understanding. I know my mom & dad wer doing the best they could & they didn’t have any help from docs about my problems but I cant help how I feel about it. I also feel a lot of my friends & work buddies use me a lot. If they need a lone, help with a project or to talk about something; I’m doing what I can but when I try to ask em for anything; there never around. I feel guilty if I push the issues cuz I think there lives are busier than mine.
I’m also very lonely & want a relationship but I’m worried that my problems are preventing me or would cause things to go horrible later. I go for women that lots of guys would consider, clingy, needy, baggage issues ect.
I’m doing a lot of soul searching to try & figure myself out & how I can change & improve. I am NOT happy like this thou my parents think I am. I do not want to go back to docs because it is very expensive & they pushed lots of meds that had really horrible side-effects & I’m doing much better now that I’m not on em but I will get on em again if I feel like I start having a relapse.
I’ve done lots of research on different disorders & Martyrdom Complex is something I’ve never looked at before. I would like more info about this & I’m also looking for friends to chat with about things. Support can be a big help sometimes. If anyone wants to talk about anything or has some suggestions; Please email me at~
nicholaspsherman@yahoo.com

]]> By: Ivy http://www.thoughtclusters.com/2007/06/the-martyr-complex/comment-page-1/#comment-5939 Ivy Sun, 17 Jan 2010 22:31:58 +0000 http://www.thoughtclusters.com/2007/06/the-martyr-complex/#comment-5939 YES YES YES! YES YES YES!

]]> By: Ivy http://www.thoughtclusters.com/2007/06/the-martyr-complex/comment-page-1/#comment-5938 Ivy Sun, 17 Jan 2010 22:30:13 +0000 http://www.thoughtclusters.com/2007/06/the-martyr-complex/#comment-5938 Martha, THANK YOU for acknowledging that. My mother is one, but in complete denial. At least if she would see herself, then I can deal, but as it is, she's pushed almost everyone away. You are a brave, strong person for being candid with yourself. I commend you! Martha, THANK YOU for acknowledging that. My mother is one, but in complete denial. At least if she would see herself, then I can deal, but as it is, she’s pushed almost everyone away. You are a brave, strong person for being candid with yourself. I commend you!

]]> By: Toucan http://www.thoughtclusters.com/2007/06/the-martyr-complex/comment-page-1/#comment-5932 Toucan Sun, 17 Jan 2010 19:20:01 +0000 http://www.thoughtclusters.com/2007/06/the-martyr-complex/#comment-5932 Sorry if I missed something somewhere, but has there been a follow up to this article? I have searched the archives, but could not spot anything. One of my parents is like this exactly, and I'd really like to learn how to minimise the effects of their behaviour without having to cut off all contact. Thank you for writing this article. It's one of the most informative I've been able to find on the subject. Sorry if I missed something somewhere, but has there been a follow up to this article? I have searched the archives, but could not spot anything. One of my parents is like this exactly, and I’d really like to learn how to minimise the effects of their behaviour without having to cut off all contact.

Thank you for writing this article. It’s one of the most informative I’ve been able to find on the subject.

]]> By: Nicole http://www.thoughtclusters.com/2007/06/the-martyr-complex/comment-page-1/#comment-3639 Nicole Thu, 19 Nov 2009 12:46:02 +0000 http://www.thoughtclusters.com/2007/06/the-martyr-complex/#comment-3639 We had a martyr at our medical center in Acton, Mass; fortunately she finally left (went south to move in with a relative). Chronic complaining about everything, mostly how she was the victim (or the only "normal" one around...yes, that was her mentality). She was very jealous, vindictive, and unable to be satisifed. We, the nurses, could only laugh after awhile. She changed her hair color, living situation (one apartment after another) and other things like every five days...no word of lie. We would come in the morning and ask, "Where is she living now? What color is her hair today?" AND: to manipulate others to her will, she would brown nose like it was going out of style. Good riddance, woman. NO ONE MISSES YOU We had a martyr at our medical center in Acton, Mass; fortunately she finally left (went south to move in with a relative). Chronic complaining about everything, mostly how she was the victim (or the only “normal” one around…yes, that was her mentality). She was very jealous, vindictive, and unable to be satisifed. We, the nurses, could only laugh after awhile. She changed her hair color, living situation (one apartment after another) and other things like every five days…no word of lie. We would come in the morning and ask, “Where is she living now? What color is her hair today?” AND: to manipulate others to her will, she would brown nose like it was going out of style. Good riddance, woman. NO ONE MISSES YOU

]]> By: Wes http://www.thoughtclusters.com/2007/06/the-martyr-complex/comment-page-1/#comment-3433 Wes Wed, 11 Nov 2009 14:59:47 +0000 http://www.thoughtclusters.com/2007/06/the-martyr-complex/#comment-3433 Jean, For me, the key to dealing with Martyrs is realizing that their behavior isn't an attack on me. It shows what kind of person they are. I think you're right, someone who is genuinely giving does not spend hours talking about it. They just give, like you did. Keep doing what you think is right. And if your roommate has a problem with it, remember that it is your roommate's problem, not yours. Good luck & best wishes. Jean,

For me, the key to dealing with Martyrs is realizing that their behavior isn’t an attack on me. It shows what kind of person they are.

I think you’re right, someone who is genuinely giving does not spend hours talking about it. They just give, like you did.

Keep doing what you think is right. And if your roommate has a problem with it, remember that it is your roommate’s problem, not yours.

Good luck & best wishes.

]]> By: Jean Houston http://www.thoughtclusters.com/2007/06/the-martyr-complex/comment-page-1/#comment-3423 Jean Houston Wed, 11 Nov 2009 05:41:57 +0000 http://www.thoughtclusters.com/2007/06/the-martyr-complex/#comment-3423 Wow I just needed to see if this condition was in the books. I knew it had to be but I was surprised at the exactness of the description... martyr complex.My roommate is a bit of a child and loves the martyr bit.last night I found a mp3(2gb) player at the store 75% off.Later that night my 22yr daughter said mom please go get me 2(one for her one for her boyfriend)I'll pay you back tomorrow at which point my roommate said "Me Too". I get to the store early before work and there was only 1 but there were some 1gb and they were 75% off. I felt bad but I got my roommate 1 of the 1gb because I couldn't get more 2gb. Well she kinda pressed me to give her the 2mb.She gets kinda mean and pushy if she doesn't get her way so like a idiot I handed her the 2mb. As I walked away I thought you just got up before work to be at the store to get your daughter her mp3 player and she just bullied it away from you. So I confronted her by telling her I had done all of this for my daughter and I felt presureed by her to hand it over. My need to apease a bully. Well she threw her fit and then after several hours after I get home she calls and tells me that because it is for a "child" she will give it back. I said the truth is I should of never given it to you but under the presure broke. She went on and on about her matureness in giving the mp3 player back for my daughter on and on. So later that night we are sitting around and she said something about the one I had bought myself and I said we I will just give that to my daughter because she wanted one for her boyfriend. I don't need a screen and all that fancy stuff and Caeley wanted 2 so with the one I bought today plus the one I bought last night she will have 2 and I will take one of the 1gb players. At that point she blew!!!! I hate Caeley's boyfriend! I was stunned she said "You didn't tell me everything!(as if accusing me of decieving her).I said to my roommate this is mine and if I wish to give it to Caeley so she can gift to her boyfriend thats my business. My feeling was I made a mistake by giving in to her presure and was trying to get it back by being honest to her about feeling presured by her.I just wanted to right a wrong. She was unwilling to admit her bully behavior and rather impress on me for at least 2 hours what a giving person she is. I thought whatever as long as the mp3 player is returned thats fine. I just said okay yes yes yes yes. Well she comes unglued because she implied I deliberately with held the fact that I was going to give my daughter mine so she will have her 2. I said Sue this has nothing to do with Caeleys boyfriend. "I hate Denny and You should of told me the whole story" She knew Caeley wanted 2. As a mom it just doesn't seem like a big deal to go from a 2gb to a 1gb if you know your kids needs a 2mg and your world consist of 50 songs total. My roommate was the martyr one moment then when she found out that I did the "same thing" without all the hoopla and drama she needed to put me thru she just blew. She started cussing in Italian which made me want to laugh at her. There is a fine line between a person with the Martyr Complex and Inmaturity. Actually it's the inmaturity that causes the martyr syndrome and it's all about attention and self glorification. I say self because clearly others don't consider her as giving as she would like herself to appear to others. I've been her roommate along time and I know whats she's all about. Bottom line is she is a very selfish person and the gloating (martyr syndrome)is just a need for attention. At the end of the day I just think to myself better her than me. Wow I just needed to see if this condition was in the books. I knew it had to be but I was surprised at the exactness of the description… martyr complex.My roommate is a bit of a child and loves the martyr bit.last night I found a mp3(2gb) player at the store 75% off.Later that night my 22yr daughter said mom please go get me 2(one for her one for her boyfriend)I’ll pay you back tomorrow at which point my roommate said “Me Too”. I get to the store early before work and there was only 1 but there were some 1gb and they were 75% off. I felt bad but I got my roommate 1 of the 1gb because I couldn’t get more 2gb. Well she kinda pressed me to give her the 2mb.She gets kinda mean and pushy if she doesn’t get her way so like a idiot I handed her the 2mb. As I walked away I thought you just got up before work to be at the store to get your daughter her mp3 player and she just bullied it away from you. So I confronted her by telling her I had done all of this for my daughter and I felt presureed by her to hand it over. My need to apease a bully. Well she threw her fit and then after several hours after I get home she calls and tells me that because it is for a “child” she will give it back. I said the truth is I should of never given it to you but under the presure broke. She went on and on about her matureness in giving the mp3 player back for my daughter on and on. So later that night we are sitting around and she said something about the one I had bought myself and I said we I will just give that to my daughter because she wanted one for her boyfriend. I don’t need a screen and all that fancy stuff and Caeley wanted 2 so with the one I bought today plus the one I bought last night she will have 2 and I will take one of the 1gb players. At that point she blew!!!! I hate Caeley’s boyfriend! I was stunned she said “You didn’t tell me everything!(as if accusing me of decieving her).I said to my roommate this is mine and if I wish to give it to Caeley so she can gift to her boyfriend thats my business. My feeling was I made a mistake by giving in to her presure and was trying to get it back by being honest to her about feeling presured by her.I just wanted to right a wrong. She was unwilling to admit her bully behavior and rather impress on me for at least 2 hours what a giving person she is. I thought whatever as long as the mp3 player is returned thats fine. I just said okay yes yes yes yes. Well she comes unglued because she implied I deliberately with held the fact that I was going to give my daughter mine so she will have her 2. I said Sue this has nothing to do with Caeleys boyfriend. “I hate Denny and You should of told me the whole story” She knew Caeley wanted 2. As a mom it just doesn’t seem like a big deal to go from a 2gb to a 1gb if you know your kids needs a 2mg and your world consist of 50 songs total. My roommate was the martyr one moment then when she found out that I did the “same thing” without all the hoopla and drama she needed to put me thru she just blew. She started cussing in Italian which made me want to laugh at her. There is a fine line between a person with the Martyr Complex and Inmaturity. Actually it’s the inmaturity that causes the martyr syndrome and it’s all about attention and self glorification. I say self because clearly others don’t consider her as giving as she would like herself to appear to others. I’ve been her roommate along time and I know whats she’s all about. Bottom line is she is a very selfish person and the gloating (martyr syndrome)is just a need for attention. At the end of the day I just think to myself better her than me.

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