One of the most destructive behaviors in any relationship is the existence of someone with a martyr complex. As the definition from Wikipedia explains, a “person who has a ‘martyr complex’ desires the feeling of being a martyr for its own sake, seeking out suffering or persecution because it feeds a psychological need.” The characteristics of such persons include
- They have the need to be a victim and complain always and relentlessly.
- They take little initiative in trying to fixing any complaint.
- If any problem is solved, but in a different way than what they proposed, the problem still exists, as far as they are concerned.
- If any problem is solved according to their solution, they will find another problem to complain about.
- If any problem is solved, it is because they complained about it.
- They complain about problems that do not concern them in the least.
- They do not appreciate any good things being done.
- They lie and twist facts to prove their point.
- They selectively forget, ignore or avoid any facts that may conflict with their point.
- They resort to name-calling when everything else fails.
Politicians are a master of this behavior. For example, take your classic demagogue who rails against minority religions and cultures (take your pick from any country in the world). Usually, the citizens belonging to the primary religion would be more powerful, wealthy and influential than the minorities. Yet you will hear arguments that minorities are given special treatment and the country will be overrun. This results in horrible crimes like the Holocaust, Apartheid, Rwanda Massacre, etc.
Personal relationships are not immune to this. A standard case is that of the troubled teenager who blames his parents for everything going on in his life. And nothing that the parents can do can change this attitude. It doesn’t matter how hard the parents are working to buy all the things he wants. He blames them for not spending time with him. Now, if the parents listen to him and re-arrange their schedule, he accuses them of wanting something from him. Or tells them that it is already too late and they are wasting their time.
What can the parents do? Most of them desperately crave the same love and affection when the teenager was younger. Nothing they do seems to reduce the anger of the teenager. Anything they do is twisted and thrown back into their faces. I have seen many parents give up at times and get really angry. This does not help, of course, but now the parents start exhibiting irrational behavior. This includes not listening to any complaints and insulting the children whenever they get a chance.
Now, both sides are officially at war! Everyone is miserable, but they are also happy in a way, because now each side can justify what they are doing by pointing to the other. “They did this, so I am doing this.” “I tried my best, but nothing worked.” “He can do what he wants, but I am prepared for anything.” “It is only a matter of time, and then I will be free and happy.”
To generalize, here are the dysfunctional dynamics that happen when someone starts developing the martyr complex:
- Other people take time to recognize this, but they do in time. They treat the person as “the Boy Who Cried Wolf“. The person loses all credibility. People start ignoring all their concerns, even if some are actually important, because they cannot make out what is truly legitimate.
- Other people can behave just as irrational. Since a martyr usually boasts that he was responsible for any change, people avoid doing anything that can be used by the martyr for feeding his ego. Sometimes the very fact that the idea came from a martyr is cause enough to abandon the idea. A martyr creates many enemies directly and indirectly.
- Since the martyr picks fights with anyone who disagrees with her, her friends have learnt to nod their heads at whatever she says, reinforcing her opinions. However, friends realize that too much close association with that person can be harmful. They behave like double agents by slandering the martyr in private and further lowering her image. Communicating any issue starts with, “Don’t think I am complaining like John Smith, but…”
- A martyr can spoil the well for others by flaunting rules and opposing authority, not for any good reason, but just because of their perceived issues. When this happens, other people start putting up new rules or exhibit behaviors to prevent such incidents in the future. Flexible policies can become inflexible, negatively affecting everyone.
- The martyr demands attention, but the opposite can happen with people leaving them alone and ignoring them. Take the example of some elderly people who crib all the time. They may actually be suffering from pain or disease. But, their relatives and caregivers cannot take their complaining any longer and abandon them.
Over time, the relationship can plumb the depths of hell. Resolve the situation as best as you can. In a future post, I will discuss strategies for handling martyrs, especially the need to differentiate between levels of martyrdom.
I think we are seeing a lot more manifestation of these personality types than ever before…I don’t recall living like this in the 60s/70s. Life seemed simpler and “better” than. Now we are concerned about bullies, martyrs, complex personality types…
and the work world has become a horrible place. I realize by reading all of the above that I worked with a classic “martyr” for four years and she was very adept at getting me isolated from the crowd…it got to the point where no one talked to me and I did not have a clue what I may had “done” or said. It turned out she was very possessive and jealous. When my opportunity came to jump ship, I grabbed a state job and found much better working conditions…she ended up leaving the old job a few months after I did (I am sure people woke up then…). She tried to go back to them when all else failed for her and did not succeed. It turned out she moved to North Carolina to move in with a relative…ICK. She ended up hurting herself…not me. In fact, I profitted by her tactics. I can only wish her well now…sounds like she needs it.
Why is there so little help for this? Because Martyrs are absolutely sure that all problems come from others, so all solutions come from others. The Martyr’s whole life is built around avoiding responsibility.
This includes accepting responsibility for avoiding responsibility. So even if you point this out to the Martyr, they will fall back to their core belief, and avoid dealing with this problem, because that is what they do. Martyrs believe that everything is always someone else’s fault.
The Martyr responds to problems by playing the blame game, in one of two forms. They make up excuses as to why they couldn’t meet their responsibilities. Things unexpectedly got in the way. Or the deadline is too close (even though they previously displayed confidence they could meet the deadline easily). Or simply that you’re the one who wants it done, so you should do it yourself.
The other form of the Martyr’s blame game is to feel sorry for themselves. Everyone is always picking on them. No one is ever nice to them. Everyone keeps placing all these huge burdens on them, and then just walks away.
Martyrs do everything they can think of to avoid dealing with their problems. So to deal with a Martyr, we must focus on getting the Martyr to accept responsibility.
Even then, the Martyr will respond by playing the blame game. That’s why it’s so hard to deal with a Martyr. Not only do they fail to recognize that they have a problem with responsibility, but trying to deal with the Martyr’s problem triggers more avoidance.
Dealing with a Martyr is like trying to put out a fire with gasoline. So you may not be able to help the Martyr. But when dealing with one, it’s important to keep from falling for the Martyr’s excuses and/or self-pity. Otherwise, you cooperate with the Martyr and help them avoid problems instead of dealing with them.