The Martyr Complex
One of the most destructive behaviors in any relationship is the existence of someone with a martyr complex. As the definition from Wikipedia explains, a “person who has a ‘martyr complex’ desires the feeling of being a martyr for its own sake, seeking out suffering or persecution because it feeds a psychological need.” The characteristics of such persons include
- They have the need to be a victim and complain always and relentlessly.
- They take little initiative in trying to fixing any complaint.
- If any problem is solved, but in a different way than what they proposed, the problem still exists, as far as they are concerned.
- If any problem is solved according to their solution, they will find another problem to complain about.
- If any problem is solved, it is because they complained about it.
- They complain about problems that do not concern them in the least.
- They do not appreciate any good things being done.
- They lie and twist facts to prove their point.
- They selectively forget, ignore or avoid any facts that may conflict with their point.
- They resort to name-calling when everything else fails.
Politicians are a master of this behavior. For example, take your classic demagogue who rails against minority religions and cultures (take your pick from any country in the world). Usually, the citizens belonging to the primary religion would be more powerful, wealthy and influential than the minorities. Yet you will hear arguments that minorities are given special treatment and the country will be overrun. This results in horrible crimes like the Holocaust, Apartheid, Rwanda Massacre, etc.
Personal relationships are not immune to this. A standard case is that of the troubled teenager who blames his parents for everything going on in his life. And nothing that the parents can do can change this attitude. It doesn’t matter how hard the parents are working to buy all the things he wants. He blames them for not spending time with him. Now, if the parents listen to him and re-arrange their schedule, he accuses them of wanting something from him. Or tells them that it is already too late and they are wasting their time.
What can the parents do? Most of them desperately crave the same love and affection when the teenager was younger. Nothing they do seems to reduce the anger of the teenager. Anything they do is twisted and thrown back into their faces. I have seen many parents give up at times and get really angry. This does not help, of course, but now the parents start exhibiting irrational behavior. This includes not listening to any complaints and insulting the children whenever they get a chance.
Now, both sides are officially at war! Everyone is miserable, but they are also happy in a way, because now each side can justify what they are doing by pointing to the other. “They did this, so I am doing this.” “I tried my best, but nothing worked.” “He can do what he wants, but I am prepared for anything.” “It is only a matter of time, and then I will be free and happy.“
To generalize, here are the dysfunctional dynamics that happen when someone starts developing the martyr complex:
- Other people take time to recognize this, but they do in time. They treat the person as “the Boy Who Cried Wolf“. The person loses all credibility. People start ignoring all their concerns, even if some are actually important, because they cannot make out what is truly legitimate.
- Other people can behave just as irrational. Since a martyr usually boasts that he was responsible for any change, people avoid doing anything that can be used by the martyr for feeding his ego. Sometimes the very fact that the idea came from a martyr is cause enough to abandon the idea. A martyr creates many enemies directly and indirectly.
- Since the martyr picks fights with anyone who disagrees with her, her friends have learnt to nod their heads at whatever she says, reinforcing her opinions. However, friends realize that too much close association with that person can be harmful. They behave like double agents by slandering the martyr in private and further lowering her image. Communicating any issue starts with, “Don’t think I am complaining like John Smith, but…”
- A martyr can spoil the well for others by flaunting rules and opposing authority, not for any good reason, but just because of their perceived issues. When this happens, other people start putting up new rules or exhibit behaviors to prevent such incidents in the future. Flexible policies can become inflexible, negatively affecting everyone.
- The martyr demands attention, but the opposite can happen with people leaving them alone and ignoring them. Take the example of some elderly people who crib all the time. They may actually be suffering from pain or disease. But, their relatives and caregivers cannot take their complaining any longer and abandon them.
Over time, the relationship can plumb the depths of hell. Resolve the situation as best as you can. In a future post, I will discuss strategies for handling martyrs, especially the need to differentiate between levels of martyrdom.
That’s one serious condition we should watch out for.
I certainly wouldn’t want to work with that kind of person.
Charlie
24 Jun 07 at 10:11 pm
@charlie
These kind of people exist not only at work, but also among relatives and acquaintances. As you said, watch out!
Krishna
25 Jun 07 at 7:58 am
That’s probably what most battered wives have. Normal people will not remain in a situation where they choose suffering.
Marie
25 Jun 07 at 10:08 pm
true, marie
In a difficult situation, people should choose to leave instead of putting up with it. But they see some advantages in staying in the current situation (whatever that may be!) and not seeking something else. So they put up and complain, all the time increasingly dealing with a horrible situation.
Krishna Kumar
26 Jun 07 at 7:08 pm
wow..i am that person! scary but true..i’ve been in therapy for a year and they couldn’t diagnosis me with that one! only that i was depressed. thanks for the info.. i need to really work hard on my issue! sincerely, martha
martha
16 Jul 07 at 10:30 pm
p.s for all those who commented about it that don’t have it.IT’S HARD TO LIVE LIKE THAT.IT’S NOT EASY.BASICALLY I ALWAYS FELT THE NEED TO BE VERY ANALYTICAL,AND GROWING UP MY FATHER WAS UNAVAILABLE EMOTIONALLY AND HE CRITICIZED ALL TIME!I BELIEVE IT A STRATEGY THAT ONE DOES TO KEEP THE PAIN OR “SELF TORTURE” IF YOU WILL BECAUSE HAPPINESS 4 US IS TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE!IT’SCOMPLICATED! NO PUN INTENDED. THANK U FOR READING!
MARTHA
16 Jul 07 at 10:36 pm
@martha
I am sorry to hear that and I sympathize with you. One way I have heard that can help is to think that you are powerful and that you can make a difference. If one can change things, one doesn’t have to complain.
Instead of telling people, “why are you not doing this?”, order or tell them, “do this!” You will be amazed how quickly issues get resolved. And each time, you feel more in control.
Each of us can do more and have much more power & authority than we give ourselves credit for.
Krishna
17 Jul 07 at 8:58 am
I just took an online personality quiz and it stated that I might be this person. This scares me.
Anonymous
13 Dec 07 at 6:35 pm
@anonymous
Realizing the symptoms is the first step towards fixing them.
Krish
13 Dec 07 at 7:13 pm
Wow, this:
“Normal people will not remain in a situation where they choose suffering”
and most of the post pretty much sums up a person I live with. Constantly complaining about giving up sacrifices one should have to give in that situation, staying in an openly admittedly hostile environment because leaving would cripple everyone, suffering for the good of strangers, etc.
It’s been refreshing to pretty much confirm what I’ve been thinking for years.
Klaus
19 Dec 07 at 11:59 am
hello there.
I also took an online personality test that stated I had this, but from the research I’ve gathered that there are different kinds of personalities in this martyr complex. I think there is also a kind where the “martyr” blames themselves over others to avoid conflict, or they feel it’s their duty to feel like a victim.
I don’t know you guys seem to have more knowledge on this though.
Tierney
20 Jan 08 at 9:15 am
@tierney
I think it is precisely the avoidance of conflict that is the problem. Unless people can work together to resolve conflicts, and put the past behind them, there is no moving forward.
It is not about who is to be blamed. Whatever happened has happened. There is nothing anybody can do to reverse it. But we can do something about the future. And that means being able to let go and being able to rebuild trust.
Krish
20 Jan 08 at 4:36 pm
It’s interesting how the religion christianity encourages this kind of behaviour too- and how much hatred and spite there can be seething beneath the surface of someone who has decided they must love everyone! In terms of remaining ina situation which hurts- many people were ‘trained’ in high levels of tolerance as children; it feels ‘normal’. Therapy is essential to break patterns of martyr behaviour, and a commitment to self-care and self-love. Actually to be healthy and happy IS the real favour we can do for others around us….!
Anonymous
11 Mar 08 at 5:50 am
@anonymous
I don’t think it is right to blame any religion for this behavior. Any behavior is a combination of many factors, internal and external. In my experience, religion is much less a factor than the society and environment in which one grows up.
On the subject of religion, this is a matter of interpretation. Most religions teach not just tolerance, but also forgiveness. They teach to forgive others and to seek forgiveness for oneself.
People exhibiting the martyr complex have great difficulty in forgiving others and moving on. Everything they do is clouded by past events and past feelings.
I do agree with you about tolerance. In my view, tolerance is a short-term mechanism that basically relies on ignoring what someone else does. But without understanding the thinking and ideas of other people, tolerance can quickly change into anger and resentment.
Krish
11 Mar 08 at 7:48 am
I feel that your definition of what consitutes a martyr is completely biased toward destructive elements of an individual’s personality. Please consider that your list of what constitutes a martyr does not reflect behaviours of certain individuals who behave like this all the time, but anyone, who will doubtless behave like this sometimes. You can’t make black and white divisions like this.
Also, please consider the more historic definition of the martyr; of course, sometimes people are named martyrs for self-centred acts of transferring guilt onto others etc., but the martyr can also be one whose passionate belief leads them to make a fatal sacrifice, or perhaps they simply have masochistic tendencies and enjoy taking on the martyr persona.
You and some of those who have commented here sound as if you’ve never felt or done anything on the list at the top, which are aspects of human nature and behaviour. Perhaps marie might consider the opnion that there are no ‘normal’ people! We were not all spat out of templates on a production line. We are not universally the same and there is no set rule of normality. Everyone here reacting to a mythical evil martyr that you wouldn’t want to work with should look at themselves too. Everyone can be an ‘evil martyr’ sometimes.
Anonymous
11 Mar 08 at 9:42 am
@anonymous
Please note that I am not talking about martyrs in the context of being killed for one’s beliefs. I am talking about a particular behavioral problem that has been titled as the martyr complex. According to Wikipedia, this is “one of several patterns of pain/suffering seeking behavior”. Since I didn’t coin the term myself and I didn’t find any substitute for it, I cannot help the distortion of the historic definition of the word “martyr”. The article I wrote is an elaboration upon that problem.
I agree with you that we cannot create a black-and-white division and doubtless everyone has exhibited tendencies that have been mentioned in the list. But most people exhibit this behavior some of the time and some people exhibit this behavior most of the time. Some people exhibit it only in certain cirumstances or situations. We are all guilty to some extent or other. However, that does not mean that we cannot discuss mistakes or problems. In fact, by talking about them, we can recognize such traits in ourselves and prevent them.
The article starts with talking about destructive behaviors in a relationship. A person exhibiting a martyr complex in one relationship (work or family) may not exhibit the same behavior elsewhere. For most people, he or she may be the most likeable person. For example, a child may exhibit this behavior with the parents, but may behave normally when dealing with peers. So fundamentally, this is a relationship dynamic, not necessarily an intrinsic trait of the person.
Looking at oneself before criticizing others is a good point, but this is not an “evil vs good” argument. I don’t consider a person with this problem as “evil”. Such people actually think that they are achieving their goals by such behavior and don’t realize the extent of harm done to themselves, the relationship and others, and what they lose out in life. By discussing these issues, we can understand the behavior and the consequences, and we can find ways to solve them.
Krish
11 Mar 08 at 10:46 am
I came across your blog searching for more information on how to handle someone like this. My ‘friend’ is driving me crazy with all of her ‘feel sorry for me’ behaviors. I sincerely want to end our friendship, and I know she will freak out. In one of the letters I had written to her last year, I pointed out to her that she always plays ‘the victim’. I had no idea however that I was referring to her martry behavior! Anyways, I pointed out in her very own writing how she plays ‘the victim’ and how she distorts everything. Crazy…it’s just crazy. (and it’s driving ME crazy!).
Jeannie
12 May 08 at 4:43 am
That’s so weird. I took some personality test that said I have exaggeratedly high percentage for accomodation and that I most likely had this martyr complex. As I read about it I began to see that it’s true, though, the weird part is that only with several people not everyone that is something I don’t get. Also how I EASILY forgive others conflicts with the whole martyr complex but oh well who knows..
Anonymous
29 May 08 at 3:27 pm
OK I did the same personality test and it said intraverted intelectual and martyr complex.I have a BA major in PSY and after finding I have only 1 of the traits I would suggest that people take the longer version of the test to get a mors detailed report on there personality.
Anonymous
3 Jul 08 at 1:45 am
I posted the comment above after I read the symptoms not the comments. “READ THE COMMENTS
I agree with Krish and especialy Klaus because those comments really hit home.
Anonymous
3 Jul 08 at 2:04 am
I don’t think the answer is to further ignore people with a martyr complex for that only perpetuates the problem. Scapegoating is a very common problem, and nasty, and hurtful. I might even be so bold as to say that about the person who wrote this article. He is scapegoating, and all of us who responded to this is buying into the idea that “if it weren’t for the martyrs, our society, our work place, our homes, etc., would not be as bad a place.” Hogwash. I challenge you to look at you’re own behaviour and ask yourself, “am I bullying?” I bet you are, and that is when the martyr shows up. Think about it. Humans do things for a reason, and it is usually because they are reacting and not initiating. Bully’s initiate. A martyr doesn’t initiate–he/she reacts the way they do to being bullied. Just watch and see how many responses I get from this comment alone. An old man who is dying at home in bed is reacting to the lonliness he feels, and the family who ignores him in his time of need is bullying. Bullies do not want to told they are being a bully, so they will defend themselves until they get punched in the nose. Martyr do this punching with a little twist. We all call it being a wussy, but to that person, they are getting their jab in maybe backhandedly, but they too have defended themselves by essentially saying, “See what they did to me? Who here who is stronger than the bully will be the hero?” If that person sounds a little nasally, most of you would run! The only one who would stay is the hero who defends the weak and poor. I daresay that none of you showed any heroism today, not even the writer of this article.
Email me if you have any comments at monkeyzookeeper@hotmail.com I am willing to bet both bully or martyr will contact me, but the hero, they will not. They are the hero, why should they? Heroes are picked on with just as much furiousity as the martyr because those who are not heores wished they are been the one who had the courage to stand up for the weak.
Well, tally ho, and good luck to you all.
moneyzookeeper
17 Jul 08 at 12:53 pm
@ moneyzookeeper
Appreciate your comments, but you are only pointing out one example of martyr behavior. In many instances, the martyr has a choice: Keep suffering or seek alternative means. In many cases, the martyr does not take any steps to resolve the problem. Instead, the martyr perpetuates the problem by identifying some issue that is non-negotiable or impossible to rectify. There are many cases where some compromise would lead to lessening the impact of the problem and moving things in a positive direction.
Defending a martyr can be very frustrating because the martyr takes up rigid positions even when a minor compromise can solve the problem. In other cases, the defender (or hero, in your words) may have a slightly nuanced view of the problem and can be blamed by the martyr for betraying his or her principles.
Krishna Kumar
21 Jul 08 at 2:31 pm
This is a good and informative article, i strongly think, there is a certain level of ‘martyr complex’ in all of us, we all tend to “emotionally blackmail” others to get love,care, extra attention and space. But , those who take an extra dose end up victimizing themselves.
Asher
12 Mar 09 at 4:30 am
lmao, i took a psychology quiz that says i have the martyr complex, but i highly doubt it. lol
Theresa
2 Apr 09 at 2:40 pm
ok guys, i am 16 years old and my grandmother saidfor me to look this complex up.
i have been in and out of therapy and lincoln trail
my therapist does not know whats wronmg with me, meaning she is no help for me.
someone plz plz i need advice of help with this one
nick
9 Apr 09 at 11:14 am
@Nick
The point of the Martyr Complex is that a person suffering from it tends to blame other people for everything instead of looking inwards.
To end this behavior, one must learn to control one’s anger and start trusting people, even if you sometimes think they are at fault.
I cannot say more without understanding more of your personal circumstances.
Krish
9 Apr 09 at 12:26 pm
@krish
well i understand that you blame others and have to have some kind of drama or problem going on in your life, and insted of doing something about it you act like a child and don’t really wanna physically interact or talk to anyone about the problems.
nick
9 Apr 09 at 12:39 pm
@Nick, it seems to be that the fact that you understand the problem is a good sign that you are able to face and deal with it.
The most important aspect of the solution is to be self-aware. From time to time, everyone relapses into destructive behavior, but as long as these incidents are minimal, you would be improving.
Also be focused on the future and start thinking of doing and creating something. Make more friends – real and virtual.
krish
9 Apr 09 at 1:26 pm
wikipedia is a pretty unreliable source anyway
Anonymous
25 Apr 09 at 1:35 am
and the other term is self-sacrifice syndrome…
Might be a good idea to work on your research and sources – although really this is just someone expressing their opinion..
Just don’t take on everything a blog, or forum, says; you need to be able to relate it in to your life, and think through how relevant it is to you.
Anonymous
25 Apr 09 at 1:38 am